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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29000655">It's Called Heartache</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/NoxNights/pseuds/NoxNights'>NoxNights</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Harry Potter (lumosinlove), Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Get Together, Happy Ending, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Light Angst, M/M, O'Knutzy</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 11:14:08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>7,808</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29000655</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/NoxNights/pseuds/NoxNights</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>O'knutzy get together, based off Lumosinlove's characters.</p><p>Logan took a deep breath and whispered into the darkness, his voice and the quiet thrum of the fan meeting. They were the only static in a sleeping world. He let himself daydream about a world where it all worked out, and he could have both of them. </p><p>Logan's struggling, but Leo and Finn are there for him.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Leo Knut/Finn O'Hara/Logan Tremblay (lumosinlove)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>55</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>It's Called Heartache</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>All credit for the characters goes to Lumosinlove. </p><p>TW for referenced and implied self-harm.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The early morning sun brought streams of golden light into Logan’s room. It left patches of light dancing across every surface. Logan curled up on his bed, letting the warmth wash over him. He had on one of Finn’s old Harvard sweatshirts and he let himself drown in it, the extra fabric, the smell of Finn. Laying there, he thought about Finn, and Finn and Leo, about the both of them. </p><p>Feeling lost and forgotten, he tugged the sleeves over his hands, making himself smaller. Finn and Leo were probably playing video games, sat next to each other on their couch, thighs pressed together; and Logan was alone, not even the Dumais’ were home this weekend. </p><p>They had all left for a family ski trip the day before. They had insisted Logan join them, but he knew they needed their own family time, with their real family. Logan sniffled as his emotions bubbled up again. </p><p>He took a deep breath trying to hold it together, trying to remember that he’d told them to go without him, that Finn wasn’t choosing Leo over Logan, at least not yet, no matter how much it felt like it. Finn and Logan had been best friends for years, and that wasn’t going to change, and Leo, Leo was a great teammate, and friend, always there for both of them. </p><p>Still when Logan saw how Leo looked at Finn, it made his skin crawl. It made him nauseous with jealousy, in a way he couldn’t explain. It was for Finn, but he also wanted Leo looking at him like that. Just then, there was a loud knock on the door. Grumbling, Logan stood and went to open the door. </p><p>Finn and Leo stood there looking unsure. Logan, on the other hand, was at a loss for words. It felt like he’d called them here just by thinking about them. </p><p>“Dumo said you didn’t want to go with them this weekend. He was really worried, and asked me to check in on you. He said something seemed to be bothering you?” Finn's voice drifted upward, almost asking. But before he could pry further, his eyes dropped to Logan's chest, “is- is that my-?” </p><p>Logan glanced down to remind himself what he had on and then turned bright red. He stammered over his words in an effort to save himself. </p><p>Leo grinned between the two of them and watched Logan struggle for a moment, as they both turned steadily redder. Finally he interrupted, trying to save the situation. </p><p>“Hey, Tremzy. We brought video games and pizza. Sound good?” </p><p>Logan exhaled, “yes, yeah. Sounds great.”</p><p>“Okay, awesome. Um, are you gonna let us in?”</p><p>“Oh right, right.” </p><p>Leo pushed forward and went straight to the living room to set everything down. That seemed to  shake Logan and Finn out of their daze, and they followed after Leo. Knutty chatted as he did each thing, lulling them into comfort. He popped the video game in and sat on the sofa, saving room for Logan to settle in the middle and for Finn to curl up on the other end. </p><p>As they played, Leo began to gently inquire in an attempt to get some answers from the shorter boy, trying to make sure he was okay. Logan happily answered questions about his day, what he was up to, what he had for dinner last night, but as soon as the ski trip came up, or why Dumo thought he was acting different, Logan immediately began to shut down and pull away. </p><p>Nonetheless, Leo, despite being the youngest, continued to be a mother hen. He brought them both water and tea and made sure everyone was comfortable and had enough blankets. They played video games for the rest of the evening, and when it came to dinner time, Leo insisted he cook, much to the protests of the other two. Leo hoped that Finn might be able to drag it out of Logan if he left them alone. </p><p>They sat in silence for a minute or two after Leo had gone to the kitchen, until Finn finally spoke up. </p><p>“Lo, what’s going on, really? I know something’s up, just talk to us, talk to me.”</p><p>Logan sat curled up in Finn’s sweatshirt and the blanket Leo had laid over him, thinking about how his heart was pulling him in two different directions. Toward his best friend since college who he’d loved for years, through stressful nights, and hoping, hoping, to get into the NHL, and the fear that came with that; and toward the youngest member of the team who was all limbs and all love, who came and made sure they were all comfortable and taken care of, who he thought he was beginning to fall for. He thought about the boy tucked into the couch right next to him and the boy in the kitchen. He tried to slow his breathing.</p><p>Finn waited silently, giving Logan the time he needed to gather his words. Just when Finn was going to speak, to try and prompt Logan again, Leo came in with three plates of pancakes all topped with powdered sugar. Logan promptly burst into tears. </p><p>Leo and Finn shared a look before they both began to hug him. Sitting on either side of Logan, sandwiching him, they tried to comfort him by holding him close, something that made him cry harder as he clutched at both of their bodies. </p><p>He eventually found the breath to mumble out, “I’m- I’m just not ready to talk about it yet, okay?” </p><p>“Of course Lo.”</p><p>“That’s okay Tremzy, but we’re both here for you when you’re ready, you know that right?” </p><p>Logan wiped the tears off his face and gave them a small smile, “yeah, thanks guys. I’m okay now,” making it clear he didn’t want to talk about it anymore. Finn and Leo both got the message, and instead of more questions they simply offered up a pancake for him to eat, and that’s how they spent the rest of the evening, eating too many pancakes and playing too many video games. </p><p>When it finally came time to go, Finn insisted they could spend the night. </p><p>“No- no, I think it’ll be good for me, I need some time and space to think, but thanks guys for coming over today.”</p><p>Finn smiled and Leo pulled Logan into a big hug. </p><p>“Call us anytime Tremzy, okay? You got that?” </p><p>“Yeah, Knutty, I got it. Night guys.” </p><p>It was bordering on one AM when he finally got down to his room. He opted to simply shed the sweatpants but left on the boxers and sweatshirt. He also held onto the blanket from the living room. Logan fell onto the bed and thought about the day. He thought about Finn and Leo, Leo and Finn, how the tugging in his chest, the want for those boys was growing by the day.</p><p>He took a deep breath and whispered into the darkness, his voice and the quiet thrum of the fan meeting. They were the only static in a sleeping world. He let himself daydream about a world where it all worked out, and he could have both of them. </p><p>-</p><p>The Dumais’ wouldn’t be back for the rest of the week, and Logan decided he couldn't just sulk the whole time. He started going to the rink each morning, despite having time off, and just skated for hours, trying to figure out his feelings and what to do, focusing on how the problem wasn’t just the three of them, but the team, and the NHL. </p><p>When he got home from the third day of nothing but working out and skating, he found a message waiting for him on the answering machine.</p><p>“Hey Lo-” Finn started.</p><p>“-Hi Tremzy-” Leo cut in. </p><p>“-Listen I don’t know if you checked the weather recently but it’s supposed to storm pretty badly-”</p><p>“-Like power outage, can’t leave your house badly-”</p><p>“-And we were thinking you should come stay with us, it’ll be safer and you won’t be alone-” </p><p>“-We’ll be at your house in 45 to pick you up-” </p><p>“-Leo, no he hasn’t agreed yet-”</p><p>“-Don’t worry he will and he can’t stay there alone so we’re going to go rescue him-” </p><p>Logan let out a small laugh at the back and forth conversation. </p><p>“-Anyway, be ready see you-” then the call cut out.</p><p>Even though he was unsure if this was a good idea or not, he knew it was probably the safest option. Just as Logan had finished packing everything he needed, he heard an overly enthusiastic knock at the door. He opened it and Leo practically pulled him out of the house. Finn gave him a genuine smile and grabbed his bag. </p><p>-</p><p>The apartment was cozy and warm. The clouds had already started turning dark, looming over them, but the apartment felt safe. As they stepped into the living room, the first clap of thunder boomed, giving them all a scare. </p><p>During dinner the conversation flowed smoothly, and Logan was thankful that no one brought up his meltdown from the other night. It wasn’t until it was time for them all to go to bed that problems arose. Logan wasn’t sure where he’d be sleeping. He’d shared a bed with Finn, but that was before, well, everything that was going on, and he didn’t know what Leo was comfortable with. </p><p>“Ummmm, hey guys…” Logan tried to ask, but before he could continue Finn and Leo both dropped a pile of blankets and pillows on the floor of the living room. </p><p>“We were thinking we could all sleep in here, watch some movies and hangout. Is that- does that sound good?” Finn asked, seeing Logan look a little lost. </p><p>Quickly Logan smiled, his throat felt tight at the thought of speaking, with the thoughtfulness. Instead he nodded enthusiastically, it was perfect. </p><p>The second problem occurred when Logan realized he’d left his bag in the car. He was getting cold and wanted to throw on a sweatshirt and change into sweatpants. </p><p>Logan groaned, calling out to the other two, “hey, I’ll be right back, I left my stuff in the car-”</p><p>“No way Lo, don’t be stupid. It’s pouring out there” </p><p>“Yeah, you can’t go out there Tremzy. Seriously, it’s dangerous”</p><p>Logan was about to argue back that it’d be fine when everything went black. He groaned, but Leo took the opportunity to prove his point.</p><p>“See, there’s no way you’re going out there, you can just borrow Harzy’s and my stuff.”</p><p>Logan’s cheeks pinked a little at the thought of that, and it only took another large clap of thunder for him to concede to Finn and Leo’s point. </p><p>Finn turned and went into the kitchen, rustling through drawers, “hey Knutty, do you know where the flashlights are?”</p><p>“We have flashlights? Just use your phone.”</p><p>“Leo there’s no power, we have to keep our phones as charged as possible.”</p><p>“Good point, right well I don’t think we have flashlights, but we definitely have candles-”</p><p>“How do you have candles but not flashlights?” Logan interrupted.</p><p>“Um,” Leo’s cheeks darkened, “Long story. Anyway, I’ll grab them. Tremz maybe you should shower- I’m guessing you spent the day working out and if you’re gonna borrow clothes I’d rather you be at least semi clean for it.”</p><p>Logan looked down at what he was wearing, “yeah, yeah, that’s a good idea.”</p><p>Finn walked back into the living room, “C’mon Lo I’ll grab you some clothing and there should be an extra towel in the bathroom.”</p><p>“Cool thanks,” Logan said, going straight to jump in the shower. </p><p>Once in the bathroom, he took a few minutes to find the towel and quickly got in the warm water. All Logan could think about was the other boys in the apartment, the boys who were getting clothes and candles and had gathered pillows and blankets for him. They had made sure he wasn’t alone during the storm. He knew he needed to talk to them, at the very least. He had to tell them what was going on with him. </p><p>“Hey Lo, I have the clothes.”</p><p>Logan could hear it was Finn, even through the door, and his heart rate sped up, “Uh, yeah great, come in.”</p><p>The door was immediately pushed open, through the small opening in the shower curtain Logan saw Finn set the clothes on the counter, and then he started talking. </p><p>“The sweatshirts mine and the sweatpants are Leo’s, so they’ll probably be big on you-”</p><p>“Hey!”</p><p>“- but it was all we had.”</p><p>“It’s fine, thanks.”</p><p>Finn continued talking unaware that Logan’s brain was short circuiting, trying to follow the conversation while his mind was racing in a different direction. Finally, Finn wrapped up the conversation, Logan giving a mutter of agreement to whatever Finn had been going on about.  </p><p>As soon as Finn left, Logan took some deep breaths, steadying himself against the shower wall. Eventually he felt calm enough and sane enough to get out. </p><p>He threw the clothes on without even fully drying off, as he was already starting to shiver. When he turned to look in the mirror he confirmed what he already knew, Finn’s sweatshirt was huge on him, the sleeves pooling around his wrists, the fabric falling low on him, and leos sweatpants were even worse, he could feel them slipping off his hips, and bunched up at his feet. </p><p>However, even with all of that Logan felt safe in these clothes. He felt loved and taken care of. He couldn’t help but let his mind wander, thinking about how it would be to have this all the time. </p><p>Clenching his fists Logan met his own eyes in the mirror and reminded himself of all the reasons it wasn’t possible, starting with the NHL and ending with the fact that Leo and Finn didn’t want him like he wanted them. </p><p>He could feel his nails starting to dig into his palms and could see his knuckles turning white. He needed to calm down. The last thing he wanted was another breakdown in front of Harzy and Knutty, no matter how good they had been about it before. </p><p>Exiting the bathroom, Logan pulled the sweatshirt over his hands.The marks on his palms weren’t bad, but he didn’t want them seeing and asking questions. </p><p>He entered the living room with a smile on his face; Finn and Leo had left him a space right in between them on the couch. He cleared his throat a little to let them know he was there. </p><p>Finn cut himself off mid sentence when he saw Logan and began tugging on the strings of his sweatshirt, a bad habit he’d picked up in college. Leo on the other hand just looked Logan up and down letting a blush color his cheekbones. He went to grab his drink but missed by mile instead knocking his hand into the corner of the coffee table, cursing as it made contact. </p><p>Logan stood still, drowning in his clothes, with hope threatening to crawl into his heart at their reactions; Logan had to remind himself that it was all in his head. He shuffled toward the couch diverting his attention back to Finn who was still watching him with an open mouth and Leo who had gotten ice to press to his hand. </p><p>Hesitantly, Logan asked, “all good you guys?” </p><p>This seemed to snap Finn out of his stupor, he quietly turned his head so he was watching the TV instead, “yeah, yeah, fine.” </p><p>Leo just gave a little smirk and another once over of Logan, a ridiculous action coming from someone who was pressing ice to their hand and wincing, and said, “yep, all good here.”</p><p>The whole situation was making Logans head fuzzy. Luckily, Finn took control and loaded a video game for them all to play. </p><p>Partway through the game, Logan went to pick up his glass, reaching across the table for it. Finn gasped and grabbed his other arm. Logan glanced at Leo looking for some indication of what was going on, but Leo looked just as confused as he felt. He turned to look at Finn and followed his line of sight. </p><p>Quickly, he realized that Finn was watching his hand, or more specifically the palms of his hands. Logan pulled the sleeves back over his hands and said in a low voice “Harzy, Finn, it’s nothing really- it’s not what you’re thinking, I don’t- I don’t do that.” The crescent shapes in his palms itched as he spoke of them. He was telling the truth. His emotions had just gotten the better of him this time. </p><p>Finn looked at his face, eyes flitting over his face as though searching for the truth, his eyes narrowed, “Lo, what did happen then? How’d your hands get hurt?” </p><p>Hearing that, Leo reached for his hand pulling back the sleeves, and gently ran his fingers across Logan's palm. </p><p>Logan tried to start, “I- I just was struggling for a minute, just a little stressed. All I did was ball up my fists, I didn’t l-like purposefully do anything.”</p><p>Finn seemed mildly subdued by this answer, but still picked up Logan’s other hand to examine the cuts. Leo looked worse at hearing this, he looked like his heart was breaking, “Logan, look I know you’re bottling things up, and I understand because I’ve been there, I’ve struggled; but you shouldn’t be so stressed that this happens, even accidentally,” his fingers continued to trace over the cuts, slow and gentle, “you can’t keep everything bottled up, we’re here for you, we’re on your side. You can talk to us.”</p><p>Finn nodded in agreement, adding on, “Lo, as long as we’ve known each other I’ve always been there for you and nothing’s going to change that. I will always be there for you. This isn’t something I got into on a whim, I’m your friend and that will never stop being true.”</p><p>Logan struggled to speak as he realized how lucky he was to have both these boys in his corner looking out for him. Sat in between them, wrapped in their clothes, both of them holding him tightly, he felt safe. Logan knew he needed to tell them what was going on, at least partially. </p><p>“I know you're right, I do,” Logan said slowly, eyes shutting as he braced himself for what he was about to say, “it’s just hard, you know?” He paused and took a deep breath, “I’m…” his hands were shaking, and he felt a little dizzy, like the floor was about to be pulled out from under him, “I’m gay or- or bi maybe?  I haven’t really got it all figured out but I know I- I like boys and…” </p><p>He couldn’t look at them, too scared to see their reactions, he tugged his hands back and burrowed into himself, “the world’s shit, and we play in the NHL... I just… it’s a lot,” he glanced at the two boys, “do you hate me?”</p><p>At that, both Leo and Finn protested.</p><p>“No, no of course not!”</p><p>“Lo, we would never. I mean you know I’m cool with that stuff.” Finn said, but there was a strain to his words.</p><p>“Yeah, but that was college, and you never- well I thought maybe you were just experimenting or something?” Logan replied.</p><p>“No! It wasn’t an experiment, I-” Finn cleared his throat and his eyes flitted to Leo, who was looking at the two of them with raised brows. When it became clear that Finn had no more to say, Leo stepped in. </p><p>“You are perfectly valid exactly how you are. Whatever you decide, we’re here for you, that isn’t changing, especially not because of who you choose to love. I know it is scary especially with the NHL, but you can still be out to some people, friends, family. It’ll be okay.”</p><p>“Hey Knutty?” </p><p>“Yeah Logan.”</p><p>“I wanted to ask you something, but I don’t want to intrude or pry or anything. Is it okay for me to ask, and you don’t have to answer-”</p><p>“I’m gay. My family knows but no one else. Seriously Tremz, it’ll be okay.”</p><p>“Oh, oh right.”</p><p>Leo gave a kind smile, “you can ask me anything, you know.”</p><p>Logan looked nervously towards Finn for support, but Finn was still staring at Leo with wide eyes, color rising to his cheeks. Logan jabbed his elbow into Finn, startling him into speaking, “right right, yes, well you know we love and support you Leo.”</p><p>“I do, thank you.”</p><p>They all sat for a moment looking at each other, until Logan spoke, “tonight has been great, really, but also a lot, do you think we can just throw on a movie?”</p><p>Both boys agreed and so that’s what they did, curled up and slightly entangled. And if Finn watched Logan and Leo more than the movie, it was just because he was worried about them. And if Logan wouldn’t let go of their hands the entire time, well it had been a very emotional night. And if Leo continuously tried to pull them closer to him, they’d all say the same thing: the apartment was freezing. </p><p>-</p><p>After a few weeks Logan was doing better. It still hurt to be in the same room as them and to watch them together, but they were his best friends. They accepted him, at least what they knew so far, and he couldn’t lose them. So he tucked his feelings inside when he was around them and pretended he was okay. </p><p>His breaking point came on a day he was in the apartment with Finn and Leo was out. They’d spent their time playing video games and showing each other videos they had saved to their phone. Midway through a compilation of the cutest dogs Finn’s phone died, he stood and started looking throughout the apartment for a charger, Logan following behind. </p><p>“It must be here somewhere, I mean I used it last night.” Finn said, gesturing to his bedroom. </p><p>Logan struggled to hold in his laughter, “only you could lose something like that in just a few hours, a time period in which you didn’t even touch it.”</p><p>Finn tossed an annoyed look over his shoulder, “it’s here somewhere, okay!”</p><p>Finally, unable to contain it Logan burst out laughing, “it’s right there you idiot.”</p><p>Finn who had turned to face Logan spun around, eyes searching every square inch of the room. He turned back to Logan and let out a frustrated growl, “where?” </p><p>Instead of explaining Logan simply reached past Finn to grab it, it wasn’t until after he did it that he realized the position he’d put himself in. They were chest to chest, every part of their body pressed together. Logan could feel his heart beating, he could practically hear his heart beating. </p><p>Finn let out a breathless, “thanks”. </p><p>Neither of them made any moves to pull away from one another. Logan looked up at Finn, their eyes meeting, a soft love being shared between them. Feeling his heart flutter, Logan went up on his tiptoes, leaning forward, moving closer until their lips were almost brushing.</p><p>“Lo-”</p><p>He tilted his head ever so slightly… </p><p>“Lo, wait, wait. I think we need to talk first.”</p><p>Logan pulled back, stumbling with the force at which he moved away, reality crashing back down on him. </p><p>“Fuck… fuck…” Logan whispered to himself, already moving toward the door. </p><p>“No, no, wait. Please Lo,” Finn sounded lost and desperate, “wait, it’s not that I don’t, I mean I do like you-”</p><p>“You just like him more,” Logan snapped back.</p><p>“No, no, what are you talking about?”</p><p>“I know how you look at him, how he looks at you, it’s- I can’t even be mad because I get it. I understand so much it makes me ache.” Suddenly Logan sounded very tired, “I just wish you looked at me that way too.” </p><p>This time when Logan turned around, he didn’t stop to hear Finn’s plea, he walked out through the living room, past Leo who was coming into the apartment and straight out the building without a backwards glance or another word. </p><p>Logan walked even as tears fell; he walked until he couldn’t anymore. He found himself in a secluded corner of a large park, trees hiding him from the view of others. There he thought over everything he’d said, everything he’d done. He shouldn’t have left, but he was so hurt. Logan reprimanded himself, he should’ve known this would happen. It was so stupid, so childish to think things would workout, like this was a fairytale, to think he’d get them both, to think he’d get them at all. </p><p>The stars came out, greeting him softly in his sadness, and only when it was past midnight, when he knew everyone would be sleeping, did he finally stand. There was nothing more he could do and all he wanted was to go and sleep, for as long as he could. </p><p>The house was quiet at this hour and he tried to get to his room as silently as possible, slipping past the kitchen only to be stopped by Dumo’s voice. </p><p>“Logan, could you come in here?”</p><p>Logan sighed but turned around and entered the kitchen to find Celeste and Pascal with their heads bent close together, whispering. Celeste got up and walked toward Logan.</p><p>“Glad to see you home safe,” she said kindly and pressed a kiss to Logan's cheek as she left the room. </p><p>“Have a seat Logan,” Dumo said, not leaving Logan a choice. </p><p>Logan glanced toward his bedroom before looking to Pascal, who was watching him expectantly. Logan sat.</p><p>“Listen mon fils, I don’t know what’s been going on with you, but I just want to tell you Celeste and I are here for you if you need anything,” Logan opened his mouth to interrupt but Dumo just barreled on, “also I just want to let you know that Finn called here, asking for you, several times. He sounded really worried.”</p><p>“I- yeah, we’re arguing I guess, I’m not ready to talk to him or see him. I’m sorry I worried you guys, especially after everything you’ve done for me. I’m just figuring some stuff out and I need to do it alone.” Logan paused, his eyes meeting Dumo’s, “honestly all I want right now is to go to bed. Okay Dumo?”</p><p>Dumo looked conflicted for a moment but eventually relented, “Okay mon fils, but if you need anything…” he gestured to himself, to his house, “we’re here, just don’t forget that Logan.” </p><p>“I won’t.”</p><p>“And if Finn calls I’m going to tell him you’re here, he’s been worried, but I’ll also tell him you’re taking some time.”</p><p>“That’s fair.”</p><p>Dumo stood and pulled Logan into a half hug, “Get some sleep okay?”</p><p>Logan nodded but stayed sitting. He looked around the kitchen, no one but him in there. Just him and the linoleum tiles, the painted walls, him and the counters. Eventually he stood, feeling the weight of everything that had happened press down on him. </p><p>Bed time he decided. He needed sleep to sort through all of this. </p><p>-</p><p>The next day he didn’t wake up until after 3, an unusually late time for him, even after staying up the night before. </p><p>Checking his phone for the first time in about 24 hours, he saw a lot of missed calls from Finn and some from Leo too. </p><p>He sighed, struggling to think of a solution to the problems he had created, how was he supposed to go back to being Finn’s friend after this. He decided he couldn’t handle this today, that today would just be for sleeping, he rolled over and pulled the covers over his head, and fell back to sleep. </p><p>-</p><p>Logan woke up unsure how much time had passed, only aware that it was now dark and there was knocking on his door. He grasped for his phone- only 10 o’clock. He could still hear someone knocking. Dumo maybe? Or if there was an emergency- with that thought he jumped out of bed and swung the door opened only to find Leo standing there. Before he could even say anything or just shut the door to avoid dealing with this problem, Leo pushed into the room.</p><p>“Hey, Logan thanks for letting me in.” </p><p>“I- I didn’t-”</p><p>“Listen can we talk?”</p><p>“I mean I’m not really ready-”</p><p>“Great, well how about you listen to me while I talk, okay?” Leo took a breath and then continued without even waiting for Logan’s answer. “I’m not going to tell you I know exactly what’s going on, because I don’t, but I know that you’re upset, and I know that Finn’s really upset. He thinks he’s lost you. I’m not here to advocate for him, I just want to talk to you. To see how you’re doing and see if I can help at all. Finn doesn’t even know that I’m here.” Leo finally stopped and looked at Logan waiting for him to speak.</p><p>“Listen, it’s complicated. I just feel like I screwed things up and it’s not that I’m mad at him, but I’m frustrated or I guess just frustrated by the situation in general.” At Leo’s skeptical look, Logan repeated himself, “I’m not mad at him, really, I understand where he is coming from. I know how he feels, but,” Logan paused allowing the weight of what he was saying to wash over him, knowing this was what he really felt, “but that doesn’t mean it can’t still hurt.”</p><p>Leo looked at him, and before Logan could discern what he saw flash across Leo’s face, pity? Concern? His own heartache? He was being pulled into a hug. </p><p>“I know it’s hard, but it’s clear you guys are both really struggling, really suffering right now and I think you need to talk.” </p><p>At that Logan pulled away, “no, no, I just need some space to sort myself out, and I know how he feels. Talking about it more won’t do any good.”</p><p>Leo took Logan by the shoulders and made sure they were looking into each other’s eyes despite the height difference.</p><p>“Just trust me on this one okay?”</p><p>Logan felt a jolt of electricity go through him as he stared into Leo’s bright blue eyes, he could see the sincerity there. He felt a pull toward Leo, toward what he was suggesting. He cared for both these boys so deeply, all he wanted was for them both to be safe and happy, even if it meant he wasn’t.</p><p>“Yeah, yeah, okay, you’re right, Finn and I need to talk.”</p><p>“Great! Let’s go then.”</p><p>“What? You mean now?”</p><p>“Logan, Finn is baking, and has been for hours. Do you want to know what he’s been making? Your favorite pancakes with the powdered sugar. Over and over and over. So now we have like 200 pancakes in our apartment, and he sent me for more ingredients.”</p><p>“Why’s he been doing that?”</p><p>Leo glanced at him and groaned, “Logan c’mon.”</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“Nevermind, you just need to talk to him. Let’s go. Make sure you’re quiet, Dumo told me the kids were all asleep and Katie has a cold.”</p><p>Leo made his way to the car with Logan following behind him, mind racing.</p><p>-</p><p>Leo pushed open the front door and let Logan past him. </p><p>“He’s in the kitchen. Go on. I’m gonna stay out here.” Leo said watching Logan carefully. </p><p>For his part, Logan was glancing at the door, thinking he could still leave without Finn ever knowing he’d been there, but Leo gave him a gentle shove in the direction of the kitchen and Logan knew it wouldn’t be right to run. </p><p>Slowly he walked toward the kitchen, toward Finn. First thing he heard was music playing, something classical maybe, he wasn’t sure. Then he heard the sounds of a whisk rapidly scraping the sides of a bowl, and a frustrated growl from Finn.</p><p>“- Ugh not good enough.”</p><p>Logan entered the kitchen right as Finn threw a whisk at the opposite wall. Seeing Logan he stopped in his tracks, arm falling to his side. </p><p>“Lo? What are you doing here?”</p><p>Logan looked at him. His hair was wild, as though he’d been tugging on it or running his hands through it over and over. The apron he was wearing was covered in flour and batter, similar to the rest of the kitchen, which was chaos. There were pancakes on every surface and bowls of uncooked batter lay everywhere. </p><p>He looked back to Finn, really seeing him this time. Not only was his hair dishevelled, but his eyes were red and puffy, like he’d been crying. He was even wearing a shirt that Logan was pretty sure was his own, and when Finn turned away to wipe his eyes that suspicion was confirmed. TREMBLAY was printed across the back. </p><p>Finn eventually turned back and Logan spoke, “I’m sorry about how I left the other day. I’m sorry that I left. You said we should talk and you were right, we should’ve talked. We should talk now.”</p><p>Finn eyed him warily, “are you gonna run again?”</p><p>Logan took a deep breath knowing he deserved that comment even if it hurt, “no, I promise I won’t run again. I just- I was hurting and I didn’t know how to handle it, but I’m not going to. Never again.”</p><p>Finn nodded his head in agreement, “okay then.”</p><p>He didn’t offer anything more and Logan knew it was on him to fix this.</p><p>“Let’s sit,” he suggested, “maybe we can eat some of these pancakes while we talk.”</p><p>“Oh, no. I don’t think that’s a good idea. I’m a terrible cook, really they’re inedible.”</p><p>Logan let out a small laugh, “that’s okay, I’ll take some anyway.”</p><p>They both sat, Logan on top of the table while Finn hopped on a counter. Silence settled in and they both watched each other.</p><p>“Honestly, I don’t know what to say other than I’m sorry,” Logan tried, “you’re allowed to feel however you feel and I shouldn't have run just because I didn’t like it or- or it hurt.”</p><p>“When I said I wanted to talk, before we…” Finn swallowed and struggled to find the right wording, “I just, I wasn’t rejecting you and I didn’t want to hurt you. That’s what I was trying to avoid. That’s why I thought we should talk first.”</p><p>Logan sighed, the momentary happiness fading quickly, “even if it wasn’t a rejection, it doesn’t change how you feel about Leo.” Logan lowered his voice as he continued, “and I’m not mad, really. Like I already said, I understand, and I don’t want you to feel obligated to, I don’t know, lose your chance with him just to comfort me.”</p><p>“Lose my chance with him?” Finn mimicked, but he sounded confused.</p><p>“I mean- yeah. He feels the same way, doesn’t he? I thought you two might’ve, I don’t know, from the way you look at each other.”</p><p>“No, no there’s not. We haven’t. God I don’t know what this is. How did we end up here Lo?”</p><p>“Don’t ask me, I haven’t got a clue.”</p><p>Finn got off the counter and looked out the kitchen doorway, glancing to see if Leo was there or if he’d retreated to his room. Happy with whatever he saw, Finn walked toward Logan, who was watching him carefully. Finn almost stood in between Logan’s legs, hovering just slightly out of reach. He put his hands on Logan's thighs, right above his knees.</p><p>“Things with Leo and me, they’re not anything…”</p><p>“Yet.” Logan finished for him.</p><p>Finn nodded then shook his head, “Truthfully, I don’t know. I know that I care about you so much, and I also know I care about Leo so much. I don’t know the answer to this situation without someone getting hurt, but I do know that I don’t want you to go anywhere. I know that I want you.” Finn’s hands slid up Logan’s thighs, but stopped quickly. </p><p>“It’s okay Finn, I know how you feel. I- it’s- I mean,” Logan buried his head in his hands, trying to cover the blush crawling up his face, “he’s really easy to like, y’know?”</p><p>Finn looked a little shocked at the confession it sounded like Logan was making. Logan blushed even redder as he tried to continue and make his feelings clear.</p><p>“And like he’s really tall, y’know?” Logan said before letting out a nervous laugh, “God, I’m just gonna shut up now.”</p><p>Finn let out a soft laugh at that but followed up with, “don’t. I like hearing you talk.” </p><p>If possible Logan turned even redder, “and I like not being embarrassed, but we don’t always get what we want.” </p><p>Those words sobered the conversation. </p><p>“There may not be an easy answer, but I think we should talk to Leo.” Finn suggested.</p><p>“Haven’t I made enough confessions to enough people tonight? Do I really need to humiliate myself further?”</p><p>“Don’t be dumb. It’ll be fine. You know Leo. You know that even if he doesn’t feel the same, he’ll be nice and never hold it against us.”</p><p>“I know, I know. I’m just used to keeping all this stuff in.”</p><p>Finn nodded his head in understanding, both of them stilling for a moment, enjoying just existing close to one another and working to build the courage they needed to talk to Leo.</p><p>Before either of them could move, there was a quiet knock from the doorway to the kitchen. Both boys turned to look and saw a bright red Leo standing there.</p><p>“Sorry, sorry I didn't mean to interrupt” Leo hesitated, “I can- I’ll go.”</p><p>“No wait!” Finn said, “We actually wanted to talk to you for a sec, if now's a good time.”</p><p>Leo’s face looked hurt for a moment, pain and sadness flashing across his features, before he got them under control. He seemed to be forcing a smile as he came into the room.</p><p>“Yeah, sure, of course.” </p><p>Finn moved away from Logan to lean against the fridge and Leo settled against the counter. Finn cleared his throat once, then again, as Logan glanced between the two of them. Clearly neither were able to speak. </p><p>Exhaustion seemed to lace Leo’s voice, “it’s okay you know. You can tell me you two got together. I’ll support you.”</p><p>“No that’s not, we’re not dating.” Logan said, trying to be very clear.</p><p>“We’re trying to figure it out. We’re both a little lost and we wanted to talk to you.” Finn continued.</p><p>Leo was looking more and more unsure, “I know it’ll be confusing but you guys’ll figure it out. I don’t really feel comfortable giving advice on your relationship.”</p><p>Logan and Finn made eye contact and realized they were going to have to be blunt if they wanted Leo to understand.</p><p>“It’s not like that Leo. We do like each other, but-” Logan’s mouth kept moving but no words came out. </p><p>Finn looked at Logan, the boy he’d liked, loved, since college, since they first met, who he’d loved through long study sessions and parties where they were both drunk, both reaching for the other through the crowd; then to Leo, the youngest on the team who had shyly confessed he needed somewhere to stay, who he’d started to fall for over late night movie marathons and early breakfasts, and everything in between. Finn knew he had to speak up before this all fell apart. </p><p> “Leo, I’m going to try and explain just bear with me while I figure it out.” Leo nodded in response to Finn’s request. </p><p>Finn inhaled, filling his air with lungs and then exhaled quickly, “I like you, I mean I really like you. Like in a push you up against the counter and kiss you way, like holding hands and talking for hours kind of like you and I hope you like me too, because I think maybe you do. </p><p>But before you say anything I also like Logan in the same way. I like him like I want him to wrap his legs around me as he sits on that table and I want to pull him close and hold him when he’s hurting. </p><p>Honestly, I more than like you both so much, and I don’t want to scare either of you away and I don’t know how or even if there’s a way to make this work, or if either of you even want this, but that’s how I feel and that’s what I want to talk about.” Finn finally broke off, and wrung his hands together with the nerves of having just bared his soul. </p><p>Logan looked to Leo who seemed shocked with everything he was trying to process.  </p><p>“Just to be clear Leo, I feel the same. I want it on the table that I’d be willing to try, even if I don’t know exactly what this entails. I want all of it, the relationship, the cuddling and talking, and also the-” Logan swallowed his face flaring red as his mind trailed off with the idea of everything he wanted to do with, to do to the boys. “I just want it all, with both of you.” He managed to finish. </p><p>Finn and Logan waited for Leo, but he remained silent. </p><p>Worried Finn tried to extend a branch, “you don’t have to say or decide anything right now. I know it’s a lot, and not a normal situation. You can have all the time you need, even if you decide you’re not interested.”</p><p>At that Leo sputtered, “No! I am. I’m just trying to take this all in. I never thought this could happen.” He glanced at Finn and Logan, “I’m willing to try, I want to try, but I think that we need to talk about it and maybe do some research. How much do you two know about being in a  polyamourous relationship?” Both boys shook their heads. “I think you guys should learn some more about it. Then we’ll talk. You should know what it really means, so look into it and we’ll go from there.</p><p>Finn nodded, “that’s fair.”</p><p>“Yeah, okay I’m on it!” Logan exclaimed, happiness filling his voice. It might not all be sorted yet, but there was a chance, and that wasn’t nothing. It was so much more than nothing. </p><p>Logan grabbed Finn’s laptop, “can I use this?”</p><p>Leo chuckled, “I appreciate the enthusiasm, but I’m looking for more than just a few minutes of googling.”</p><p>Suddenly serious Logan walked toward Leo, getting close enough for his fingertips to brush against Leo’s wrist.  He looked up at him, “I know. Don’t worry, I am taking this seriously. I’m just happy, happy we’ve talked about this, happy we can try to try.” Logan let his hand slip fully into Leo’s. </p><p>“Tremz…” Leo let out a quiet warning.</p><p>“I know. I was going to stay here, look into it, since it’s a little late to go back to Dumo’s. If that’s okay?” </p><p>Leo nodded clearly trying to regulate his breathing as he glanced from their intertwined hands to Logan’s lips and then away. </p><p>Logan slipped his hand away and instead tugged Finn with him to the couch, “you can stay or go, shower or sleep or whatever you want to do. Finn and I are going to figure this out. And Knutty, thank you.”</p><p>Smiling, Leo stared at the two boys curled up on the couch, one laptop between them, both trying, “yeah, yeah okay. I’m gonna go. Thanks for you know...”    </p><p>“Of course,” said Finn, who looked at Leo with so much light in his eyes that for once Leo couldn’t see how this wouldn’t work out. </p><p>Logan watched as Leo slipped out of the room and immediately turned to Finn. He didn’t even need to speak as Finn met his eyes and understood. </p><p>“We’ll figure it out Lo, I don’t know where or how to start,but we’re gonna make this work.”</p><p>Logan nodded, his whole body relaxing as he heard Finn’s words. “You’re right, let’s just start with something basic.”</p><p>The two of them stayed up for hours, reading everything they could find. Even after Finn had fallen asleep on Logan’s shoulder, he continued researching. Logan felt like he’d messed everything up before, and he wanted to get this right.</p><p>So when Leo came down the next morning, it was to a bleary eyed Logan staring at the computer. Logan felt a hand brush his unoccupied shoulder and turned to find Leo.</p><p>“Did you sleep at all last night?” Leo whispered.</p><p>“Not really, you?”</p><p>“Not much, all I could think about was this, all of us.”</p><p>“Me too.” Logan admitted a little shyly.</p><p>“How about I make us some coffee and we let Finn sleep a little more?”</p><p>Logan agreed and carefully shifted Finn off him, following Leo into the kitchen. They made the coffee in comfortable silence, Logan waiting for Leo to be done. As soon as they both had their hands on a full cup of coffee, he spoke.</p><p>“I looked into it.”</p><p>“Mmhm,” Leo mumbled in response. An affirmative noise but Logan could see the slight shake to Leo’s hands. </p><p>“Take a deep breath Knutty. You were right to have us look into it, but just because we know more about it now doesn’t mean we want you any less.”</p><p>At those words, Leo let out a small smile that quickly turned into a wide grin, “really?” </p><p>Logan watched Leo, he hadn’t ever seen this side to him. Leo was always so sure, so level headed, the kind of person who suggested they do research before getting into anything. As he stood there, he saw Leo under all that, the Leo who was just an 18 year old kid, who had joined the NHL and had to go back in the closet, who wanted to be with two people and wasn’t sure they wanted him back.</p><p>“Yes Leo,” Finn said as he entered the kitchen, “What Logan said was right. We don’t just know more about this relationship. We also know how much more we want this relationship.”</p><p>Leo’s smile shook as he tried to contain all his emotions.</p><p>“C’mere baby.” Finn murmured and pulled Leo into him. The taller boy immediately curled into him, and Finn used his other hand to pull Logan close too, until they were all squeezed together. Finn left gentle kisses everywhere he could reach, and carefully brought his lips to Leo’s and then Logan’s. </p><p>For the first time ever, they knew there wasn’t anything stopping them, that they had forever to hold each other, that they had forever to love each other.</p>
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